I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
Her bacne/racne was so bad it was like having sex with bubble wrap.
We are NOT roofying him just to get him to pass out so we can build a masive snow cock in his yard.
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
Randomize
