my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
I'm like, not good at living.
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
Randomize
