i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
Well it's a moot point because I did have a sink & I peed in it.
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
This election needs to be over, im tired of girls asking who im going to vote for mid hookup
I cNt phones. tingles in my fingles. jingles
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
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