It's not real sex if he's just convulsing inside of you.
I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
I'm turning into an adult here.
Adults touch each other's special zones.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
