she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
Beach body diet is off. Pizza hut worked its way back onto my google chrome top 8
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
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