DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
Seriously wondering if smoking a bowl for lunch was a bad idea.
OR THE BEST. STAY TUNED.
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
just so you know.. snorkeling hungover: great decision. I was throwing up and he couldn't even tell!
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
Randomize
