when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
We climaxed at the same time during ain't no mountain high enough. Does it get more cheesy or domestic for a non relationship?
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
