girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
My bed is full of blood and feathers
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
Randomize
