Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
I want to get my vag crammed with complete loss of every bit of dignity I have left by this man from every angle on every flat surface that exists. That is all.
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
Randomize
