remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
the best things in life are free. have that freshly fucked look and doing the walk of shame by HIS girlfriend.....priceless
just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
i have it on good authority that she is not as good at giving head as she claims she is
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
have u ever looked at the reflection of the water n watched the poop come out of u?
why can't you just be normal
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
Randomize
