Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
I'd do that. But we would need storm trooper helmets.
I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
got them to do a wheelbarrow of shame down the sidewalk after the threesome. I rule
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
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