Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
We have a drunken confused pantless man in our apt. Boots.
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
Topless dodge ball cldnt top that
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
So what if is hockey, you don’t turn down sex with a professional athlete. They work out all day and have amazing stamina. Your vagina will thank you!
Randomize
