Don't cheat on me with the blonde bimbo religi freak
I wouldn't touch her with a ten foot pole
She's blonde
I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
I didn't think four grown drunk men could cuddle on a twin size bed, but we found a way.
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
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