Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
she's sitting in the bathroom of SA telling people to come in for a toilet ride
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
