The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
No, we just ended up walking around in his pool high and singing songs by The Wiggles.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how hot is the girl you're about to fuck?
Strong 6
That's an oxymoron.
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
It was rocky mountain showdown of course we got shitfaced and talked about eating buffaloes
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
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