You just made me feel so damn special
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
Jus posted an album so big that it takes my manhood into question
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
She used the word "fragged" in proper context. tell me that's not bust-nut hot.
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
just move with us, we wanted to get a dog. youre kind of the same thing..
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
I don't want too, lol. I'm currently awaiting my next period like its the second coming of christ
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