I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
Wedsnesdays are always enlightening. Tonights revealation: One should not smoke from something taller than their person.
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
Randomize
