just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
Randomize
