Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
I just gift wrapped bread.
and when he finished he handed me a baby wipe so i could clean up. i'm ok with the fact that he has kids, but not sure how to react to this.
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
Every concussion has its silver lining
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
I JUST WANT TO HAVE AWKWARD SEXUAL EXPERIENCES WITH HIM.
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
