I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
epic walk of shame this morning involving 2 subway transfers. I need to start sexing locally.
Just woke up and stopped at the WaWa in Virginia. Had major morning wood and didn't try to hide it when walking around. So many awkward stares.
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
I will warn you that there is a pic of me riding a buffalo....and for the record, I was completely sober!!
Randomize
