guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
i gave her road head last night, needless to say it wasn't the same and i bit a chunk of the inside of my cheek off.
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
Just had my first american. He tasted like freedom.
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
I found my bra I wore on Friday night...he fucked the underwire out of it
hahahahaha
why yes, bad decisions will be made starting at 3PM Thurs through 8PM on Sun. You have been warned. Plan accordingly.
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
Randomize
