I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
she both took care of me and took advantage of me. it was BEAUTIFUL.
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
if i can get a chik with a dibaetes pump naked a sling certainly isnt going to get in my way
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Randomize
