4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
Sounds good! I plan on writing a book entitled: I've Probably Done Cocaine In Your Bathroom. A tell-all by Lauren.
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
Got done with class, now I'm buying MD 2020 with the ex. Sure feels like college.
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
As he was cumming he yelled "Yahtzee" then said im free to go. Thats my one night stand
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
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