I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
Resolution for 2011: blow jobs are a privilege, not a right.
The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
I'm about to fuck a girl in an old school Tony Kukoc Bulls jersey. About to earn my third championship ring in sex
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
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