just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
When that rick ross song came on he started ripping up dollar bills and pouring out drinks on the floor. I'm all for ignorance but it was a little excessive for a wedding
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
I'm at the point in my life where I'm trying to get guys I've fucked to give a ride to guys I'm going to fuck.
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
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