I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
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