I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
He started to lick my mole,thinking it was my nipple.
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
Alex thinks he can revoke my dick privileges haha.
Isn't he the one getting all the privileges ?
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