What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
It's always exciting to touch a new boob.
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
For u too. Could be years before u have a finger in ur ass
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
