The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
I even made an effort to dress like a conservative young lady who doesnt black out and throw up in her bed regularly today.
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
he had me stop mid-blow job to make me use my phone to id a song on the radio..
i wasnt really sure how to responde to that.
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
Bacardi 151 is like a past nightmare I'm still curious about
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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