The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
Randomize
