My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
I don't want to talk about it but I will say, that was the best two headed $68 blowjob. Ever.
We are NOT roofying him just to get him to pass out so we can build a masive snow cock in his yard.
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
Don't EVER mix a flaming shot, with a Jello shot.. As good as it sounds flaming Jello is not a good idea
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