also, you're talking to the girl for whom "deformed baby arm" wasn't quite a dealbreaker.
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
Randomize
