I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
I dont' remember leaving St. Cloud, getting home, or apparently directing traffic in the middle of the fucking street while black out drunk.
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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