i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
I just took a girl with a hip brace and crutches on a date. she obviously can't bone. is it rude to demand a blowjob?
I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
Drink drank drunk tankkkkn, LETS GO
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