The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
Heard in class today that they replaced our carpet in last years apartment because they couldn't get the smell out, dude we smoked way to much pot last year.
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
Randomize
