how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
Just found the book "How to Stay Christian in College" on my roommates desk. At a loss for words...
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
my life has come down to walking through campus and wondering if every guy is the random i made out with saturday
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
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