I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
What's your fascination with fucking to the Lion King Soundtrack?
Randomize
