pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
Currently having a discussion about how bad cheating is with the girl im dating and the girl im fucking. This might be a sign that i need to reassess my life
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
Okay I shall begin. Thank you Swedish chef
Hurrfy smmurdshy burrfst!
That is the exact response I was looking for.
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
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