This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
going to class with no bra.. is that saying "i don't give a fuck i'm one hour away from thanksgiving break?"
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
So feel off my bed lastnight into the trashcan. On the plus side i thought under my bed was a cave and i went exsploring
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
Randomize
