Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
It's like the water temple from zelda. but with more tits.
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
I was just hoping for a dick worthy of his established age.
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
Randomize
