The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
they started a semi-successful rumor that toby keith died. who says fraternities don't have goals
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
thank you for tagging me in all my pictures as "skank" and yourself as "made by the hands of God"
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
Randomize
