Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
My living room is scattered with glow sticks wrappers, sparklers, face paint & beer cans?
It's not as cool looking when the drugs wear off, is it?
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
My love will cover her like lulu lemon yoga pants. Casually supportive and always complimenting your Ass.
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
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