so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
That ginger could cleveland steamer me and it would still be the best day of my life
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
I woke up from my nap, looked out my window, and saw about bout 6 people get tasered in less than 20 seconds.....could someone please tell me what's going on.
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
I'm determined to sit on that face.
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
Randomize
