Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
I expect to be treated like a lady. Even If your sticking it in my ass.
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
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