i barfeds in our rink
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
Everyone was hooking up and I was just by myself rolling around in the grass at one point ... Which I am allergic to.
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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