Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
i was staring at it trying to desperately see a vagina
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
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