Oh my god. I just envisioned myself eating panda meat. I need to get out of this class.
I'm gonna write a book, Things that go bump in the night: The story of Katelyn. Chapter one, my roommate is a dumb whore.
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
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