What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
What's the right thing to say when he sends me a picture of his penis ?
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
