We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
ugh... I can't wait for campus to get back. Then everyone will have other things to try to have sex with besides me.
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
I'll pretend I don't know she's blind, my morals claimed the back seat in this adventure.
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
Randomize
