and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
CONFIRMATION: i wiki searched it and Justin Bieber is 15 not 13. so i dont feel like as much of a pedofile now....
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize
