Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
I just landed at Logan and some guy threw up in the baggage carousel. Boston never really changes
Randomize
